


snippets and shreds

by aqd



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-05-03
Packaged: 2018-10-25 09:04:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10761057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aqd/pseuds/aqd
Summary: A collection of moments in a non-chronological order.Lavi, Kanda, and why they are like they are."They kissed and for once the scent of lotus was forgotten."





	1. façade

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings: Blood, violence, mild sexual content.

“Are you ready?” The old man looked up to him. His successor nodded and darted a short glance at him.  
“Yes.” He took a deep breath and in the blink of an eye his whole posture changed. He beamed at the old man and put his arms behind his head. “Let’s go.”  
Lavi was born.

 

His heart nearly jumped out of his chest. His feet flew over the dusty ground and he heard a torn off scream behind his back. One of the finders.  
His eye found cover and he ran even faster. Another finder screamed.  
He dove behind an old shed and took a deep breath before shooting a short look in direction of the screams. It was his first time seeing an akuma. Highly interesting.  
The corners of Lavi’s mouth twitched.

 

As black as the ink on Lavi’s fingers. His fingers danced through silky strands and he kept braiding. Kanda’s hair was even softer than it looked like.

 

Of course he didn’t stand a chance. Lavi stopped, rested his hand on his knee and held his aching side. Kanda cut him a look over his shoulder and kept running and running and running.  
Lavi gave up and leaned against a tree. It was a surprisingly warm day for March and he enjoyed sun's warmth on his face and naked arms.  
It didn’t take long and Kanda appeared again in his field of vision. Lavi had no idea how long he was already running, but aside from a little redness on his cheeks, Kanda wasn’t exhausted at all.  
“Wimp,” he snarled at Lavi, who started to laugh. He pushed himself off the tree and started to run after him.  
“Aww,” he said long-drawn-out. “You’re hurting my feelings, Yuu.”  
Kanda rolled his eyes and picked up a speed that was way too fast for his companion. Lavi watched him running off and kept laughing.

 

They were completely alone in the train compartment and Lavi stopped even trying to not stare blatantly some time ago. Kanda looked up and their eye’s met.  
“How long until the next stop?” he asked calmly and Lavi responded immediately.  
“Thirty five minutes.”  
Kanda contemplated for a few seconds before he got up. Lavi jumped at his feet and then they collided into each other.

 

Lavi wasn’t somebody who was easily scared. But now he was quite confident that his last hour had come.  
There was death in Kanda’s eyes and his blade was pressed against Lavi’s throat. “How did you call me?”  
“Yuu …?” he asked and his voice trembled more than he preferred.  
A moment later Lenalee was between them and Lavi learned that nobody was allowed to use Kanda’s first name. A painful death was averted and of course he kept calling him Yuu.

 

“When are you leaving?”  
“In a few minutes,” answered Kanda and tied his hair back. “I don’t know how long the mission is going to take.”  
Lavi got up and laid his hands on Kanda’s shoulders. “Do you want to say goodbye?” Kanda frowned at him and darted him an irritated look.  
“I’m planning to come back, you know,” he scoffed and turned towards the door.  
“A goodbye for now,” corrected Lavi and took his wrist. Kanda paused. Lavi brushed a dark strand behind his ear and took his face in his hands. It took Kanda a few seconds to hesitantly give in but then the kiss was slow and tender and it took all of Lavi’s might to not melt into him. It was Kanda, who pulled away, like usual.  
“I gotta go.” In the next second he was gone and Lavi slightly frowned.

 

Lavi’s smile fell out of his face as soon as he was in his room. He sighed exhausted and rubbed his face. A sharp knock made him jump.  
“Yes?” Of course he was instantly all smiles as he opened the door. Kanda deadpanned at him without saying anything and Lavi stepped aside to let him in. Kanda’s shoulder softly brushed his own and Lavi allowed himself to look as jaded as he was. “What a pleasant surprise.”  
Kanda snorted and then scrutinized him. “You look like shit.”  
A genuine chuckle escaped Lavi’s lips. Being cheery all the time was immensely tiring.  
He hadn’t to be lighthearted in front of Kanda and he enjoyed it.

 

Lavi was an observer.  
He had never been so close to Kanda, whose attention lay elsewhere. He wasn’t even as remotely out of breath as Lavi. They were in the back of an alley, close together behind the corner of an old building. There was the smell of akuma oil and blood in Lavi’s nose.  
His glance flitted over his soft facial features, which sorted completely ill with his common expression. Right now the face in front of him was expressionless except for a thin line between his eyebrows. His eyes, dark as well shafts and surrounded by long lashes, scanned their surroundings. A strand of inky hair stuck to a thin film of sweat on Kanda’s neck and his breath danced over Lavi’s face. The scent of green tea.  
Their eyes met for short moment. Kanda’s lips moved slightly.  
He breathed, “How many?”  
“Six on the right”, mouthed Lavi without looking away. “Four on the left.”  
“You go to the left”, commanded Kanda and vanished soundlessly into the night. Lavi gazed after him for a short moment before he followed him.

 

His back hurt terrible and his fingers felt numb, but Lavi did not stop writing. Bookman expected his records after his return. He gave his hand a short break and stretched, wincing as his back cracked. His gaze wandered over the dozens of books he had filled in the last months with his small and clean handwriting.  
He knew that his comrades were celebrating their last successful mission in the dining hall, but he had work to do.  
He hesitated. There was no way that Kanda participated and this was the last night before Bookman would return. He weighed his options for a few seconds, before flipping the book shut and jumping on his feet.

 

“Lavi, are you listening?” Allen’s elbow softly nudged his rips.  
“Of course I’m listening,” countered Lavi, acting like he had no idea what Allen was talking about. “My eye’s glued to your lips.”  
Allen raised an eyebrow. “Really? I could swear that you are staring at the barmaid.”  
“Multitasking.”  
Lavi loved blondes.

 

Tears were like eating, sleeping and breathing. A simple part of life without deeper meaning.  
Lavi allowed himself five minutes of weakness in the silence of his room and hid his face behind his hands.

 

“Are you afraid?” Lavi asked quietly into the darkness and heard Kanda shifting next him. His dark eyes reflected the light of the full moon as their eyes met. Kanda frowned slightly. He always looked at him like this when Lavi used this tone which was quite unlike his usual nature. Less loud, less frivolous, less cheery. He looked away and examined scenery under them. A seemingly peaceful night.  
“No,” he answered calmly before he looked once more at Lavi. “You?”  
A single shot in the distance.  
“A little bit tense.” He smiled at him and they got up.

 

Of course he ignored the rules Kanda had laid down. At least one of them.  
Of course he got punishment.  
He hissed in pain and drew back. The taste of copper spread out in his mouth. Kanda’s hand tightened in his hair.  
“Don’t,” he spat and wiped red off his lips.  
“Make me,” whispered Lavi provokingly and licked his bleeding lip.

 

Kanda didn’t notice him watching. His brows were furrowed and his eyes concentrated on the book in his hands. Lavi had stopped reading some while ago.

 

It was fun to be Lavi. He enjoyed the shenanigans, the always a little bit too loud voice, Lavi’s cocky and frivolous nature. Deak has been different; calmer, more cautious and silent. And of course he loved to get in Bookman’s hair, to pester Kanda and to tease Allen.  
Lavi’s taste for blondes wasn’t bad either.

 

Lavi had to bite into the pillow to not shout the headquarter down as he came. After a long deliciously moment he clearly heard Kanda snorting behind him and his hands stroked slowly from Lavi’s hips up to his shoulders before he gripped into his hair.  
“You’re way too loud,” he said in a husky voice, which sent shivers down Lavi’s spine.  
“I can’t help it.” As usually he went the extra mile. “You beast of a man.” He looked over his shoulder just in time to see Kanda grimacing and started to laugh.  
“What the hell.” He was superbly easy to irritate and Lavi loved it.

 

They were celebrating their last successful mission and Lavi was joking and laughing with his comrades until he noticed Bookman’s glance. He left Lenalee and Johnny and sat down next to the old man.  
“Don’t grow attached,” he admonished silently and Lavi snorted, because the idea was nothing but absurd.

 

The small tavern room was dim and Lavi was exhausted. Kanda was covered in akuma oil, coagulated blood and mud and his skin looked in contrast almost translucent. Long inky strands of hair stuck to his cheeks, neck and forehead. Lavi tentatively raised a hand and slowly brushed one strand aside. His fingers barely touched Kanda’s cheekbone. Their eyes met for a long moment and Kanda stepped back.  
“I’m taking a shower.”  
He left the door open.

 

He wore the lovebite on his neck like a medal. They were eating breakfast in the little inn they had spent the night. Allen raised an eyebrow and Lavi grinned. His eye flickered towards the owner’s daughter, who was standing next to her mother behind the counter, before he looked back to Allen, who blushed and obviously wasn’t sure how to react.  
Bookman gave him a slap on the back of his head and Lavi laughed heartily.

 

Coffins. Dozens.  
Lavi absorbed every detail, of course he did. There were the ones, who screamed their grief to the heavens. Crying in dread, throwing themselves on the coffins of loved ones. He could nearly see life crumbling under their fingers. Bloodcurdling and harrowing. The sight was obviously terrible.  
And then there were the ones, whose sight raised the fine hair on the back of his neck. Voiceless grief. They weren’t screaming and fighting, they were the ones who stopped dead. They didn’t burn in horror; they froze in all-embracing hollowness. Empty eyes, washed out faces.  
Lavi suppressed a shiver and stepped back.

 

Lavi was buoyant. Lavi was loud. Lavi was witty. Lavi was frivolous. Lavi was perky. Lavi was a little bit too much of everything.  
Lavi was exhausted.

 

“You see, I would like to apologize,” he explained friendly and sat down facing Kanda, who looked up and examined him warily. This was their first encounter after the little incident which nearly ended with Mugen in Lavi’s neck. He smiled at him and Kanda scowled. Of course he knew that his voice was a little bit too sweet. “It was a simple misunderstanding.” He kept smiling and Kanda slowly placed his chopsticks on the table while keeping an eye on him. “I never wanted to upset you,” he explained slowly while gearing up. “So, please, will you forgive me, _Yuu_?”  
He jumped back just in time and legged it. Kanda was instantly behind him.  
Oh, what a fun.

 

“B-Bookman.” The boy’s voice was trembling.  
The old man looked up from his book and stooped slightly. “Rest. You are feverish.”  
He wanted to answer but instead he started to cough and the old man handed him a cup of water before he laid his hand on his apprentice’s forehead.  
“Close your eyes and rest.”  
“Can you…?” He stopped and darted a short glance at the book in the old man’s hand. He nodded and started to read aloud.  
He fell asleep soon.

 

Every single one of the finders was dead. Lavi examined the scene in front of him interested. One of the men was holding something. Lavi squatted down and frowned slightly. He softly touched the dead man’s hand and surveyed the object. A photograph. A father and his little son. He looked blankly in the dead man’s destroyed face and got up as soon as he heard Lenalee’s steps behind his back.  
“Oh no…” She started to cry and he turned around to her, not without changing his expression to an upset mien. He patted her on the back without looking back at the bodies.

 

Kanda got up just as they were finished. His hair was in disarray and his face was flushed, even though not as remotely as Lavi’s. The mark on his neck, which Lavi’s teeth had left behind, was already healing. He got calmly dressed without so much as looking at the redhead, who sat up and watched him. He wanted to reach out, to touch his smooth skin, to trail his fingers over the tattoo on his chest, but he knew better. Instead he handed him his hair ribbon. Kanda took it without a word and tied his long hair back.  
He left and Lavi got up.

 

Lavi examined his mentor with a concentrated frown. The old man raised an eyebrow. His apprentice got up slowly, walked over to one of the bookshelf and came back with a weighty tome in his hand. He started to flick through the pages until he found what he was searching for. Without saying a word and still examining him, he held the book out to his mentor.  
An anatomical drawing of Ailuropoda melanoleuca.  
The old man deadpanned at him for a second, and then he slapped him on the back of his head. Lavi laughed heartily.

 

“Yuu-chan,” he whined and turned over onto his belly. Kanda lay in the bed next to him and looked daggers at him. He was as heavily bandaged as Lavi.  
“What?” he barked.  
“Yuu-chan,” he repeated even louder. Kanda’s left eye started to twitch.  
“What?” he snarled.  
Lavi darted a long glance at him. “Yuu-chan,” he exclaimed long-drawn-out.  
“ _What_?” Kanda finally snapped and stared at him with murder in his eyes. Lavi blinked calmly at him. “For fuck’s sake, what is it?”  
“Nothing,” he answered and turned over on his back. “I just enjoy listening to your lovely voice.”  
He clearly heard him gnashing with his teeth and was pleased with himself.

 

All they found was blood and an ace of spades. Lavi carefully took the stained card between his fingers and closed his eye for a short moment. He heard Lenalee crying and had a lump in his throat.  
They were too late.

 

It was not the first time he saw Kanda dying, but it didn’t become easier with time. If anything it became harder.  
His neck was torn wide open. Kanda couldn’t breathe and there was blood everywhere. On his uniform, dripping down his chin, between Lavi’s fingers. His skin was deathly pale and his movements grew weak, but his eyes burned into Lavi’s, dark as well shafts and after endlessly long seconds as empty.  
He gently closed his eyes and then he waited while watching the stone still body in front of him.  
He was reborn as silently as he died minutes before and Lavi leaned over him. Kanda’s dark lashes twitched slightly and then he was back and wearily looked up to him. Something dripped on Kanda’s cheek from above and Lavi noticed that he was crying.

 

Bookman Jr. was a natural dancer. In all his years as apprentice he and Bookman had visited so many different cultures and countries and he had always been quick at learning, often solely by watching.  
But Lavi’s steps were imperfect and a little bit shaky.  
“Wait, once again,” he shouted loudly enough for Allen to hear. The music was boisterous and cheerful.  
Allen laughed and gave his best to teach him the simple dance and Lavi tried to imitate, contributing to the amusement of his companions. Of course he stepped on Allen’s foot.  
A fast glance revealed what Lavi was expecting since the little celebration had started. Kanda had skulked off. He left Allen under a pretext to dance with Lenalee and sneaked out.  
Kanda was like always in the safety of his room and raised his eyebrows when Lavi rumbled into his hideaway without knocking. He sat on the floor and was obviously trying to mediate. The music was still loud enough to hear.  
Lavi gave him a genuine smile. “Would you please dance with me?”  
Kanda’s face was priceless.

 

Of course Bookman gave him a major-bollocking.  
“You are not one of them,” the old man said rigorously. “Lavi, do I really have to remind you? Our purpose is the unbiased recording of world’s history. You are not one of them.”  
Lavi avoided his mentor’s eye and nodded. “I know.”  
“Then don’t lose your heart. Your companion’s are not more than ink on paper.”  
“I am sorry,” he replied and after a sigh his mentor laid a hand on his underarm.  
“You are still learning.” His voice was less harsh than before. “Keep it in mind.”  
Lavi smiled at him and nodded. He couldn’t lose his heart, because as a Bookman he wasn’t supposed to have one.  
Which was the core of his problem.

 

“Why are those girls watching us?” Allen whispered and looked puzzled at his comrades. Lavi acted like he just noticed and shot a short glance to the girls. Kanda, sullen as always, ignored the question. They were passing through a small village and took a short break to buy food.  
“Isn’t that obvious?” Lavi nudged amicably Allen’s side and grinned. “Yuu’s hot stuff.”  
“Ew!” Allen started to laugh while Kanda was immediately pissed.  
“Keep your fucking mouth shut”, he scolded. “And you can go and fuck yourself, bean sprout.” His scowl was impressive and they laughed even harder.

 

It was unbearable hot and Lavi felt sticky and disgusting. He was sprawled out on the floor of the room he shared with Bookman, who was on a mission without him.  
“Yuu,” he whined and groaned. “How are you still alive?” Lavi was half-naked while Yuu was still wearing a thin long-sleeved shirt and long trousers. He didn’t even remotely look as dishevelled as Lavi. He shrugged.  
“The most things don’t affect me like other people,” he said and frowned. “Take a cold shower or whatsoever.” He looked back into the book Lavi had given him earlier. He had a talent for finding reading material to Kanda’s taste.  
Lavi sighed and tried to concentrate on the records in front of him, but there was no use. Instead he started to watch Kanda for a few seconds before he rolled on his side in a rather ridiculous looking seductive posture.  
“Hey,” he said in his best husky voice and Kanda rolled his eyes. Lavi wondered when he got so much used to his shenanigans. Of course he went the extra mile. “Hey beau, wanna bang?”  
Kanda’s look was withering. “I’m good.”  
Lavi lay down again. “Thank goodness. It’s way too fucking hot.”  
Kanda snorted and Lavi grinned at him.

 

It was dark and silent and Lavi didn’t dare to breathe. Kanda’s barricades opened a tiny crack and then he nearly drowned in the mute misery gushing out.

 

The biggest change was hunger,to be exact the lack of hunger. The old man made sure he got three meals a day, often more. And he gained weight, grew stronger and healthy.  
“Bookman,” he said softly and the old man calmly looked at him. The boy glanced up from his records and frowned.  
“Do you need help?” he asked and the boy nodded. And then they sat next to each other drafting the boy’s very first record. The old man was patient and attentive with him.

 

Their first real kiss, without biting, shoving and anger, was silent and almost chaste. Kanda’s lips felt tense against his own and then he backed off. His eyes avoided Lavi’s and in the next second he was gone.  
Lavi listened to the sound of the door and closed his eye for a second. The pain in his shoulder was forgotten.

 

“The Black Order?” he repeated and looked at his mentor. “Really?” The old man nodded and cracked a little smile at the sight of his successor.  
“A chance of a life time,” he calmly answered and laid a hand on his back. “Now come, we have to prepare.”

 

The realization came suddenly and shockingly vigorous. The way Kanda looked at him and the slight ache in his chest it caused. Lavi had never felt something like this before and was for a few seconds inclined to hit his head on the wall or something similar destructive.  
He had messed up.

 

His first mission with Kanda went wrong in all possible ways and it was a miracle that both of them and their finder Tomasz survived. Especially in Kanda’s case, since Lavi watched Tomasz dragging his dead body out of the lake they both had fallen into and which would have been Lavi’s end of line without his cold and rude companion. He would have drowned because of a measly tangled up scarf. Still coughing out water and trying to breathe he tried to process what was happening in front of him and why the hell Tomasz was so relaxed about the whole affair.

 

He was neither a real Bookman, nor a real Exorcist.

 

The pain was brutal and Lavi had to choke back a sob. He lay between debris and wreckage and Ōzuchi Kozuchi was somewhere lost behind him.  
“How bad are your injuries?” Kanda appeared out of thin air and crouched down next to him. One of his eyes was missing and all left behind was a bloody mess, which slowly dripped down his otherwise calm face. Lavi felt pathetic.  
“My shoulder is dislocated,” he answered breathlessly and expected scorn, but Kanda stayed silent. He examined Lavi’s shoulder before looking back into his eye.  
“I have to set your arm.” He tried to touch him, but Lavi held him back.  
“No.” He knew it better, but the idea was everything but appealing. “Please don’t.”  
Kanda sighed, before he reached out again, but this time he grabbed Lavi’s scarf. “Bite on it and let’s get over with it.” He put the fabric almost gently between Lavi’s teeth, who dreaded the next seconds. “Do you trust me?” Kanda suddenly asked and looked calmly at him. His one hand closed softly around Lavi’s wrist, the other around his upper arm. Lavi looked into his dark and unfathomable eye and slowly nodded.  
“Yes-” Kanda suddenly moved violently and Lavi’s answer passed into a pained scream and then into sobbing. Kanda immediately released him. “Sorry.” He needed a few seconds to compose himself and took a deep breath. “Sorry,” he repeated. His shoulder was still hurting but less than before.  
Kanda only looked at him in an unreadable way and then helped him up.

 

He loved words nearly as much as he loved numbers. His fingers stroked almost tenderly over the pages of one of Bookman’s older records. His look danced over dates and key words, shrouded by the smell of old paper and ink. The lines burned themselves into the folds of his brain and he cracked a little smile.

 

Lavi was an observer.  
He absorbed every single one of Kanda’s little sounds, the feeling of his skin, his hands in Lavi’s hair, the heat between them, and over and over again his eyes. Dark like well-shafts and never less cold than now.

 

Lavi tried to be heroic and brave, but after barely a week in captivity the mere sight of Sheril was enough to throw him into a panic.

 

The first time he saw Lenalee, she was crying for her fallen comrades. He looked in her bruised and blotchy face and the only thing he felt was the same wisp of pity he had felt so often in the past. Humans were miserable.

 

He remembered every single one of his personas. Some had been more fun than others; some had accompanied him longer than others. But none had bled into his real self. None, except for Lavi. Instead of talking with Bookman, he kept analysing the issue alone, mostly at night while listening to the old man’s snores. It took him a long time to dismantle the web inside his head, until he woke up one day and knew clear as day that there wasn’t a real self, not anymore. There had been one, long time ago, but the years had caused it to wither. Lavi and Bookman Jr. had blurred into each other and instead of fighting this process he gave up. On the quiet, piece by piece.  
Bookman was a terrific observer, but Lavi was an even better actor and by the time his mentor noticed the extent of the catastrophe, it was too late.

 

“For you,” Lavi said and hold the flower out to Kanda, who raised his eyebrows. Lavi was soaking wet in contrast to Kanda, who had vehemently refused to go for a swim with him. It was a lotus flower, from the middle of the lake.  
Something unfathomable flared up in Kanda’s eyes, too short to notice, except for a Bookman.  
Lavi slightly frowned and their eyes met for a short moment. He threw the flower back into the water and smiled at Kanda.  
“You know what, forget that. Let’s go back, okay?”

 

Their first time was spontaneous, rough and ugly. They crashed into each other, bit, scratched and bruised each other and in retrospective it had been more a brawl than something different.

 

He finally said them, the three words, that where so heavily forbidden, but he still said them into the darkness.  
“I love you.”  
Kanda, who lay next to him, froze and the silence nearly crushed him. Then after a short eternity he heard rustling and Kanda stiffly sat up.  
Lavi immediately knew that he had messed up.  
Restless fingers danced over Kanda’s back and for a change he was at loss for words.  
And then Kanda said the worst possible.  
“No, you don’t.”  
Lavi was able to pull himself together until Kanda had left the room.

 

He liked the old man, he really did. His mentor was strict, stern and rigid, but also an attentive and patient teacher.  
Furthermore it was great fun to get in his hair.

 

“Do you want an apple, sir?” A little girl with brown hair and big blue eyes. Lavi smiled at her.  
“That’s-“  
His distraction was a mistake. Kanda brutally shoved him aside just in time. In the next chaotic seconds he managed to get on his feet and destroy one of their attackers, Kanda, quick and deadly as ever, took care of the other two akuma.  
“Thank you,” he said to Kanda, who just nodded before he looked over Lavi’s shoulder and frowned. He turned around but he already heard it. One of the most horrific sounds in existence: the scream of a mother.  
A little girl with brown hair and big blue eyes in the arms of her mother, the only casualty.  
Maybe it was due to his exhaustion at the end of a long mission or the fact that they lost all their finders or that the barrier between Lavi and Bookman Jr. was long-lost, but something in his chest tightened  
He hid behind one of Lavi’s, no his usual miens until they were in the inn and he had a moment for himself.

 

Kanda was fascinating. Lavi observed, watched, examined him. And slowly, excruciating slowly, he started to unravel him, to grasp the enigma Yuu. His barricades opened rarely and every time Lavi managed to slip in a little further. And finally he understood him. Kanda was one of the people, who stood still. Empty eyes and a washed out face.  
Kanda was freezing and no matter how much Lavi reached out, he wasn’t able to bridge the gaping abyss.

 

“Bookmen have no heart!” Bookman was furious, of course he was. Lavi didn’t blame him, after all he broke the most important rule: he stopped being objective.  
He just nodded and looked into his mentor’s eyes. To see disappointment was way worse than anger.  
“But I do,” he silently answered and closed his eye for a second. “I love them, Bookman. I love them and I can’t help myself.” He clenched his fists and looked in true desperation at his mentor. “I have a heart.”  
The old man scrutinized him for a small eternity, before he turned away and sighed. “You know what that means.”  
“I’m not fit to be a Bookman.”

 

Lavi woke up, because Kanda was moving next to him. He looked drowsily at him and sat up. Kanda’s forehead was clammy and his brows were knitted. Lavi lighted a candle.  
“Yuu,” he softly said and touched his cheek, which was apparently a mistake. In the next second Lavi was pinned against the wall and Mugen’s blade touched his throat. Kanda only needed a short moment to realize what was going on and Mugen disappeared as fast as it emerged. He was deathly pale.  
“I am sorry.” His voice was less steady than usual and his fingers fumbled over Lavi’s neck. “You’re bleeding. Lavi, I’m sorry.”  
Lavi, whose heart had leapt into his throat and only reluctantly went back in its place, shook his head. “I’m fine.” He was now wide awake. His neck stung a little. “Yuu, did you have a nightmare?”  
Kanda didn’t answer and kept examining his neck. Then he turned around and sliced his fingers on Mugen’s blade before Lavi was able to stop him.  
“What are you doing- ow!” Kanda’s bloody hand stroke over his wound and for a short moment his skin burned and prickled. Then the pain was gone. Lavi looked baffled at him and touched his neck. The wound had disappeared. “How did you…?”  
Kanda took off his shirt and wiped his neck clean. He was still pale and Lavi noticed the dark circles under his eyes.  
“Yuu,” he softly said and touched carefully his forehead. “What happened?”  
Kanda only shook his head slightly and then got up. Lavi watched him washing his face before he sat down on the edge of the bed with his back to Lavi and laid a hand over his eyes. He never had seen Kanda like this. Vulnerable.  
“What happened?” he repeated, softer this time. His hands danced over Kanda’s back and it was silent for a long time.  
“I had a friend,” he said silently and in a voice Lavi never had heard before. His barricade opened a tiny crack and suddenly he knew that he wasn’t the only one who was wearing a mask. “His name was Alma.” Lavi didn’t dare to breathe. “And I killed him.”

 

Lavi tried to be heroic and brave, but it was a lost cause. Bookman said nothing, of course he didn’t. He remained silent the whole time. Lavi screamed and screamed and screamed, he cried and finally he begged.  
“B-b-bookman.” His voice was broken and the old man looked at him. Lavi knew him long enough to know that he was distressed despite his expressionless face. “Please.” His legs were broken and mangled and he was reaching the end of the line. “Please, gramps.”  
“You hear him.” Sheril’s voice was cold and cruel. “I am waiting.”  
Of course, of course Bookman stayed silent.  
Sheril appeared behind Lavi and he screamed in horror and agony as his left arm shattered.


	2. barricade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for the kudos and the nice comments!

He looked for the first time in this life into the blue sky and a little something in his chest finally shattered and all that was left were sharp pieces wrecking his insides.

 

Lotus, everywhere. Under the soles of his shoes, in his hair, between his fingers. The scent was smothering.  
Kanda hated it so much.

 

“Kanda?” Lenalee asked softly and looked puzzled at him. He raised an eyebrow.  
“What? I want to take a piss,” he snarled and gesticulated impatiently towards the door of the restroom. He met her a few hours before for the first time and already had a long list of things he didn’t like about the other child.  
Now she frowned. “Yeah, but…” She hesitated. “Why are you going into the men’s room?”  
Kanda stared at her and she stared back at him. Then both children understood.  
“Oh my god, you aren’t a girl?”  
“Are you _fucking_ shitting me!?”

 

Kanda brought death along. He cut his way through and ripped apart what was in his way. He didn’t feel sorry for the akuma, after all they had the freedom to die. Something which wasn’t granted to him.

 

He watched Lavi splashing around, clearly having the time of his life.  
“Yuu, seriously, it’s great,” he said cheerfully and swam towards him. Kanda sat on the edge of the stage and only his feet touched the cool water. “Come in.” Lavi beamed at him.  
Kanda just shook his head. “No way.”  
Lavi’s hand closed loosely around Kanda’s ankle. His fingers gently stroked his calf and he looked up to him. There was a glint in his eye.  
“Don’t you dare,” warned Kanda him and Lavi rolled his eye and laughed.  
“I can teach you how to swim,” he offered and tickled his feet without any success. Kanda deadpanned at him. “Oh, come on. Not even a little ticklish?”  
“No and no.”  
Lavi splashed water at him and submerged with a smile before Kanda’s revenge could hit him.

 

They lay next to each other and laughed and laughed and laughed. The pain and the horror of the experiments were omnipresent but they hung on together. Soon they were friends.

 

Daisya’s hysterical laughter made him even angrier.  
“Hell, no!” he spat at his General and scudded to the other side of the room. “No fucking way.”  
“Yuu,” Tiedoll answered softly. “Please. It won’t take long.” He already had his favourite pencil in one hand and his pad in the other. “A beautiful face like yours downright begs to be drawn.”  
“General, I’m certain that you are creeping him out,” submitted Marie and tried his best not to laugh.  
“I’m not creeped out,” barked Kanda and pushed the door open. “I don’t feel like this nonsense.” He fled.  
“Maybe next time,” bucked Marie their general up and the older man smiled.  
“Maybe next time,” he agreed.

 

Lavi got in his hair, constantly. Kanda hated his behaviour with passion, but it gave him the change to act his anger out, which was at times oddly relieving.

 

It hit him utterly unforeseen. From one moment to the next he wasn’t anymore standing in line in the dining hall. He was back underground, back in the cold, back in the nightmarish cradle of his so-called childhood. He stood over what was left of Alma, poor Alma, his first and only friend, and something deep inside him wanted to scream and scream and scream.  
Instead he turned around and stared at the culprit, who innocently smiled at him, not understanding that he just had plunged a knife into Kanda’s chest.  
“Yuu?” Lavi repeated still smiling, even though slightly uncertain. “Are you surprised that I know your first name or what is going on?”  
Rage, Kanda’s old companion, took over and in the next second Mugen’s blade was pressed against Lavi throat.

 

They were lying next to each other without touching. Kanda’s sleep was in general very light and without a little distance it was completely impossible for him to fall asleep. Lavi’s fingers occasionally creeped towards him, stroked his wrist, played with his hair. Kanda caught them to interlace them with his own and for a long moment it was completely silent before Lavi dropped the bombshell.  
“I love you.”  
Suddenly their fingers were apart and Kanda froze. In the next second he was miles away; back in murky water, surrounded by lotus, dying. He saw their smile and longing nearly suffocated him. He sat up.  
Lavi’s fingers danced fidgety over his back and Kanda took a deep breath.  
“No, you don’t,” he answered softly. He fled before Lavi started to cry.

 

“Happy birthday!”  
Kanda stopped dead. He was just back from a mission and wanted to grab a snack before going to bed. It was late, he was tired and in a particularly bad mood. Tiedoll and Marie had talked on the whole way back and he just wished for some silence. Instead he stumbled into a party. Even worse, his own party.  
There was even a cake. Twelve candles. Kanda looked into their smiling faces and something deep inside his chest tightened. Humans had birthdays, but Kanda wasn’t one. He had been one, an eternity ago. With a mother, who had given birth to him. But in this life he had no mother. His birth had been cold and sterile and the first face he had laid eyes on had been Alma’s and Alma was dead.  
Lenalee was the first one to notice that their surprise went wrong. Her smile flickered and she slightly frowned.  
Something in Kanda snapped and the cake ended up under the soles of his shoes before he stormed out.  
It was the first and last time they tried to throw a birthday party for him.

 

“Yuu?” Lavi softly asked and Kanda opened his eyes. He was lying on a bed in their little inn room and rested while his body took care of the residues of injuries. He had died on the battlefield and the symbol over his heart had yanked him once more out of the darkness. His neck and especially his throat still hurt.  
Lavi sat on a window board and hugged his own legs while looking out. He had been awfully quiet since their return. Kanda remembered the wet feeling on his cheek and looked at him. His eye was still slightly reddened.  
“What?” His voice was more of a rasp and he grimaced. The pain always stayed longer than the injuries.  
Lavi didn’t look at him; instead he examined the tips of his shoes. “How does it feel to die?”  
Kanda was long silent, caught in his own memories of darkness, coldness and finally nothingness. “It depends,” he answered after a while and frowned slightly. “Sometimes like falling asleep, other times… not,” he explained and his thoughts were back on the battlefield. Dying was often cold and crushing and every time it took and kept another piece of him.  
His answer was vague and vacuous, but Lavi didn’t push him further. Instead he turned around and faced him. His smile was sincere, comforting, and so warm Kanda had to look away.

 

Blood everywhere and Alma right in the middle of it. He smiled sadly at Yuu. “Let’s die together.”  
But Yuu didn’t want to die.

 

The shower did him well. He closed his eyes for a short moment and sighed silently, before he started to wash away the remnants of battle. Akuma oil, coagulated blood and mud stained the water and he watched it disappearing into the drain. Even though he heard him, he didn’t turn around.  
Lavi stepped behind him and likewise sighed. His fingers brushed Kanda’s shoulder, stroke over his arm and caressed his wrist, before they took the bar of soap out of his hand. He turned around and they locked eyes for a short moment. Fine drops of water clung to Lavi’s lashes. He smiled at him and his fingers danced over Kanda’s sides.  
They kissed and for a few beautiful moments war was forgotten.

 

A beating heart didn’t imply being alive. Kanda was as dead as a stone and still kept moving.

 

Lavi didn’t stop ticking him off and Kanda was on the brink of explosion.  
“Yuu-chan,” he whispered into his ear. “Are you listening, Yuu-chan?” Lavi’s nose touched the lobe of his ear. “I’m talking to you, Yuu-chan.”  
Kanda stared sinisterly at him and he felt his eye twitching. “Stop.”  
“Make me,” breathed the redhead and there was this shit eating grin that Kanda hated so much. “Poor Yuu-chan can’t fight back without creating a scene.” They were sitting in the last row in the dining hall with the rest of personnel and listened to a speech of one of the Generals. Kanda was only there, because Marie more or less dragged him along. He didn’t give a fuck and was very willing to cause a scene, but then Lavi spoke on. “Poor Yuu-chan can’t cause a scene or everybody gets to know about the dirty stuff I’m whispering into his ears.” His grin went even wider. “And how much he likes it.”  
Kanda started to gnash his teeth. Occasionally fucking unsurprisingly didn’t stop his shenanigans, it made them even worse, but it took two to tango. Kanda’s hand slipped under the table and Lavi’s grin disappeared as soon as he touched the inner side of his thigh. He shot a nervous glance at Bookman, who was sitting in front of them. Pleased with himself, Kanda started to move his hand slightly towards his groin.  
“Did you just lose your tongue?” he scoffed silently and kept moving his hand, painfully slowly. Lavi’s cheeks reddened slightly.  
“Don’t,” he requested quietly but didn’t pull away. They locked eyes for a moment before Kanda looked away, seemingly absorbed in the speech. He gave Lavi a few more pleasant seconds before he wreaked revenge for his taunts. Offense was after all the best defence. He rammed his fingers in one swift movement deep into the muscles of Lavi’s thigh with the result that the redhead nearly fell from his seat. Lavi tried obviously his best to not scream in pain and started hitting his hand as inconspicuously as possible.  
Kanda grinned sardonically at him and finally withdrew his hand. Lavi was a little teary-eyed, slightly offended and left him alone for the rest of the speech.

 

“Are you afraid?” Lavi asked suddenly into the darkness and Kanda looked at him with a little frown. It took him a few seconds to come to the conclusion that he didn’t remember the last time he was truly afraid.  
He didn’t include the time in the laboratory.

 

_I will wait for you… I’ll wait forever._ Murky water beneath him, the scent of lotus in his nose. Their smile burned itself into the folds of his brain and Kanda reached out, only to grasp dark emptiness.  
He opened his eyes and took a deep breath. He was alone in his bed and as he moved he felt wetness in the corner of his eyes. He sat up and wiped his face. Yearning nearly suffocated him.  
“Why won’t you leave?” he whispered into the cold silence and it took all his might not to scream and scream and scream.  
Kanda was drowning.

 

He kept cooling down. Every moment left him a little bit more rigid and frozen. His only source of heat was rage, his old companion.

 

He had often nightmares. Murky water. A tattered glove. Lotus. Experiments. Agony. Blood.  
Alma.  
He was so sorry.

 

Their first kiss ended with a bleeding lip. Their second kiss ended with his fists in Lavi’s hair. Their third kiss ended with him fleeing. Their fourth kiss ended with frustration and anger.  
Their fifth kiss, weeks later, was silent, feathery and tense and ended with a racing heart. Not because of rage, but because of something different.  
Kanda was scared for the first time in years.

 

It was the first time they saw each other in private after Lavi’s three words, Kanda’s flight and their argument. Lavi stood in front of his door and looked so much distressed that Kanda immediately stepped aside.  
“Thank you,” whispered the redhead and came in. He sat down on Kanda’s bed and hid his face for a few seconds behind his hands. Kanda sat next to him and cleared his throat. Lavi looked at him and sighed. “I know that we…” He was struggling for the right words and Kanda couldn’t blame him. He had likewise problems to name what had happened between them in the past months and had finally stopped with their argument. “Yuu, can I stay tonight?” His eye reddened and he bit his lip. “Please?”  
“Yes, of course,” answered Kanda and hesitated for a moment before he laid his hand on Lavi’s back. Lavi bridged the distance between them and hid his face in Kanda’s neck.  
“Thank you.”

 

The world was cruel and dark and it was so hard to breathe. Yuu didn’t understand why they kept dragging him back. Again and again.

 

He finally found the well-known shock of red hair and growled. “There you are!” he barked and Lavi jumped. They were on one of the Order’s towers and he had no idea what Lavi was doing up here. “Komui wants to see you and I have better things to do than to search for your lazy ass.”  
“Yuu, why are you always sneaking up? You’re going to give me a heart attack one day,” he answered with a grin and his hand disappeared behind his back, but too late. The smell was already in Kanda’s nose.  
“What the hell are you doing?” he wanted to know and Lavi looked slightly guilty.  
“Please don’t tell Gramps. He’s going to kick my ass.” He took a last pull on the cigarette before he threw it on the ground and stepped on it. “Promise me, yes?”  
“Since when you are smoking?” Kanda asked and frowned.  
“I’m not really. I’m just curious.” He shoved his hands into his pockets and raised an brow.  
Kanda carefully watched him and Lavi hesitated. “What? Don’t tell me you want one?”  
“Just curious,” he echoed Lavi’s words and the redhead grinned at him.

 

Their first deliberate night together in one bed wasn’t pleasant, it was plainly weird. Kanda wasn’t used to so much closeness and even though they weren’t directly touching, Lavi was everywhere. His hair tickled Kanda’s shoulder, his long legs were in the way of his own and his breath ghosted over his cheek.  
Lavi fell asleep quite quickly while Kanda lay wide awake and listened to his calm breathing. There was no doubt that he wouldn’t be able to sleep, but he still stayed.

 

He told Lavi everything. He told him about the experiments, the pain and agony, Alma and how he had killed him and finally about his death between mud and lotuses. He told him about the symbol on his chest, which kept yanking him out of pain-free darkness. He told him about the person he was searching for and who kept haunting him every day and every night.  
Lavi was quiet, the whole time, even after Kanda had stopped talking and just sat on the edge of the bed, drowning in his own misery. After some time, which felt like an eternity he slowly turned around and looked at Lavi. He was silently crying, in contrast to Kanda, who was too cold, too frozen, too dead.  
“I didn’t mean to make you cry,” he eventually said and handed him a handkerchief, because nothing better came to his mind. Lavi took it and uttered a shakily sob.  
“I am so sorry, Yuu,” he whispered. “I am so unbelievable sorry.” He reached out and his warm hands nearly burned Kanda.  
They were awake for the rest of the night, lying next to each other and Lavi shed the tears Kanda wasn’t capable to cry.

 

“Good morning, Yuu-chan.” Lavi flopped onto the seat next to him and gave him the most annoying grin he could offer. Kanda didn’t even notice.  
“What?” He stared at him and clenched his fists. “What?”  
Lavi noticed well how he was bubbling with wrath but obviously didn’t care.  
“I wished you a good morning, Yuu-chan.” He wagged his fork and scattered pieces of scrambled eggs all over the table.  
Yuu-chan. Chan. Yuu _fucking_ chan. Kanda was on the brink of murder. He grabbed Mugen and Lavi jumped up with an exhilarated sound. Kanda chased him through the dining hall and only by courtesy of Lenalee Lavi survived another day.

 

He felt his soul ripping apart, but he didn’t care. They had kept Alma alive all these years and today was the day everything would come to an end.

 

“You are beautiful.” Lavi’s voice was silent and tender and his fingers danced over Kanda’s cheek. Their clothes were all over the place and Lavi’s eyepatch was somewhere lost behind the bed. They lay placidly next to each other and Kanda didn’t say anything, because he hadn’t words to describe what was happening. Happening between them. The start had been spontaneously and harshly, but the last months had abraded this little something between them. The roughness was lost once and for all. All that was left was something so filigree and warm Kanda hardly dared to touch it, because his only aptitude was to kill, destroy, annihilate.  
Lavi smiled fondly at him and Kanda started to thaw.

 

He had never seen Lavi this irate. His face was flushed with anger and his fist clenched. Kanda was sure that this was the first time he really saw him without his persona. The real self behind smiles, jokes and levity. He saw something flare up in his eye and knew that anger wasn’t the right word. Hurt. Lavi was truly and deeply hurt and Kanda knew that he deserved it.  
“Don’t you fucking dare to say that ever again,” screamed Lavi at him and for a second Kanda thought he was going to hit him. “My feelings are mine and you don’t decide, if I love you or not!”  
Kanda stayed surprisingly calm. Maybe because of the feeling of guilt, maybe because he felt incredibly exhausted. Fatigue wasn’t in his muscles or bones, it was way deeper. A silent companion since the cursed day they dragged him out of well-deserved nothingness.  
The scent of lotus reached his nose and they were back, smiling and dancing around him before disappearing again. Longing and pain rammed their sharp claws into his intestines and as he looked into Lavi’s eye he saw a mixture akin.  
“I am sorry,” he said calmly and earnestly and Lavi’s rage disappeared. He looked like he was going to burst into tears and Kanda felt awful.  
“Yuu,” he whispered softly. “Don’t you understand? The problem is not whether I love you or not. The problem is…” His voice died down.  
The blue sky was above him and murky water under his back. He understood.  
“The problem is that I don’t love you,” Kanda said silently and now Lavi was really crying. “Not like…”  
“Like them,” he closed his sentence. His voice wasn’t more than a whisper and Kanda nodded slowly.  
“I am sorry.”  
Lavi didn’t answer. He hid his face behind his hands and Kanda left.

 

Pain, agony and torment accompanied him every day. The experiments were atrocious and his only crutch was rage, his old companion. He wreaked his anger on Alma on a regular basis, even though it wasn’t his fault. He heard him crying nearly every night.

 

For the first time since their argument they lay next to each other. The light of the moon was pale and Kanda finally asked what had happened. Lavi was a long time silent before he answered. “Gramps and I agree with each other that I’m unsuitable for a Bookman.”  
Kanda frowned and leaned onto his elbow. “What? Why?” He scrutinized Lavi in the dark.  
“Bookmen have no heart, but I have one. I grew attached.” His fingers creeped to Kanda’s wrist. “Allen and Lenalee and Johnny and Komui and Cro-Chan and Miranda and all the others… I love them.” He hesitated. His eye reflected the moon light and his fingers tightened around Kanda’s wrist. “And I love you. I’m unfit to be a Bookman.” Kanda interlaced their fingers and stayed silent. “But he’s too old to qualify a new apprentice, so I guess he has to live with my flaws and make the best out of it.” He laughed joylessly and slightly pressed Kanda’s fingers. “He’s very disappointed and I feel absolutely awful.”  
“I… I am sorry to hear that.” Kanda was bad at this, really bad, but Lavi smiled and was kind enough to overlook it. They fell silent and Kanda took the time to just look at Lavi. His mouth, which was so much softer than Kanda’s; his light brown lashes; his soft hair, even in this light bright red and in disarray like usual; and his eye, incredible green and warm.  
“You’re leaving to Jordan tomorrow, right?” Lavi asked after a while and Kanda nodded.  
“And you are going to China,” he answered.  
“Right.”  
They looked into each other’s eyes and finally, after a short eternity Lavi moved closer. His hair felt soft under Kanda’s fingers.  
“Do you want to say goodbye?” Lavi whispered and his hand stroke Kanda’s cheek.  
“Yes.”  
They kissed and for once the scent of lotus was forgotten.

 

Kanda didn’t understand why they didn’t dread him. Of course, they were scared of his outbursts, but nobody seemed to understand that he was very capable of Alma’s path. He could rip siblings apart, friends, even lovers. Slice through flesh and bones, spill blood.  
He didn’t, because he was different from Alma and, even more important, he had to find _them_ , but on his darkest days he imagined ending their and his own misery once and for all.

 

He walked into Lavi’s inn room without knocking and faltered as soon as he saw what was going on. Tears. The redhead immediately started to wipe his face and his typical smile was back, even though it wasn’t very persuasive.  
“Sorry,” he said. “Just a weak moment.” He laughed artificially and Kanda balanced for a short moment his possibilities. He could leave and act like nothing had happened or stay and… what?  
In the end he stayed. He handed Lavi a handkerchief and watched him wiping his face. His smile flickered. “Just a weak moment,” he repeated and then Kanda watched his façade crumble.  
“The girl?” Kanda asked. He still stood near the door. Lavi didn’t answer immediately.  
“Do you speak German?” he suddenly wanted to know and blew his nose. Kanda shook his head. Lavi’s mental leaps were often a little bit too fast for him. “They have this word, Weltschmerz.” He took a deep breath. “I saw a lot of battles, you know,” he explained. “And sometimes, not often, I suffer from Weltschmerz.”  
Kanda nodded even though he wasn’t completely sure to understand. They locked eyes for a long moment and Lavi composed himself. His old smile, his mask, was back.  
“I’m just tired. What do you think about a snack?”

 

Alma lay in his arms and finally, finally he had found them. He watched over him, his first friend, his comrade in suffering, _them_. Alma died and the search was over.  
Kanda felt how a burden was finally lifted from his shoulders, but this sensation was nothing compared to the searing void in his chest. He had fulfilled his purpose.  
And now?

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much for reading. 
> 
> Please keep in mind that I'm no native speaker. I am very sorry for my mistakes. Please feel free to correct me. Feel also free to point out further tags you deem important. 
> 
> I wish you a beautiful day.


End file.
